Nodding to the early morning fisherman, I cross the bridge over Deer Creek to find the well-trod path along the Susquehanna River. Pastels have started to fill the sky, as first light has arrived and I check my phone to count the minutes to sunrise. I mentally run through the years I’ve done this (way too) early morning ritual… has it really been four years? Wow. My fourth annual sunrise hike on the Mason-Dixon Trail – all because of the Virginia bluebells that adorn the shoreline for a few weeks each April, drawing me to their wonder.

These wildflowers enthrall me. The sun finally peaks over the horizon, bathing the bluebells in warm light. I receive the morning rays with my eyes, but I’m not just seeing them… eyesight is connected to the mind, so I can quite literally feel this bright beauty in my brain.

Cheery birdsong and the rushing river in the background complete the magical quality to the scene that sends my heart soaring to a fairytale where the rest of the troubles I’ve left at home disappear. I am so happy here.

But there’s something more to my semi-obsession with the bluebells. I’m drawn to them in a deep way because there’s a character change that I associate with these flower trails. It’s one I can’t take credit for; it’s all God making beauty out of my mess.

In 2021, when I discovered the bluebells on an early April Saturday morning along the Ridge Trail at Susquehanna State Park, I was in the middle of a seven mile hike. THAT was a major accomplishment for me, as it was the longest hike I had done since having back surgery the previous summer. I was singing a joyful tune because I was just so glad that my body was healing!

My dogs were with me, so I was also feeling the elation of gratitude that they’d finally become trained enough to hike with me off-leash (please no one report me to park police!).

We came upon bunches of little purple and blue flowers and I was intrigued. The next weekend brought me back to discover them blooming in droves, and I was in awe.

No fancy cultivation or landscaping. Just beautiful, blue (so rare!) flowers cascading hillsides, and along the shore where the Chesapeake Bay begins. They are stunning!

That first April of discovery found me going back multiple times. I was also falling in love with ferns, and their delicate unfurling over the spring weeks! (I‘ve written more about my fern-love HERE.) There was a magic to their beauty, and the slight changes I noticed visit by visit. And then there was the bluebells in morning light vs evening light, sunrise vs sunset. (More pics and my first bluebell blog!)

This woodland wonder sparked hope in my soul – I was finally feeling alive again. Or maybe, I was truly feeling alive, healthy, and free for the first time?

That spring of ’21 was my first spring in two years. I literally missed the spring of 2020 due to debilitating back pain. While the world was shutting down with the pandemic, I became confined to my bed for months because I could barely walk. The disembodiment I felt was soul-crushing, and the mental toll on me was dark.

Prior to that, the spring of 2019, I was a very different person from who later emerged as the bluebell-obsessed Bethany.

I didn’t have too much time for nature then. Sure, I was a nature-lover at heart, but I was hustling. I was just a year out of a traumatizing divorce and my emotional pain was overwhelming. So what was I doing that spring? All the things.

I became a homeowner with two dogs in the city. I was running an AirBnB hostess business on weekends. Working a busy and stressful full-time job with too many responsibilities. Volunteering at church. Oh, and why not start grad school? Yeah, I thought that was a good idea, too.

I was hustling for healing.

Yes, I was also doing many of the “right things,” but that 2019 version of Bethany thought that hard things were something to get over and through, as a mental and spiritual battle.

While telling myself I trusted God, I was also struggling with a lot of doubts.

I was ignoring the importance of my body, and the healing my body needed after the intense stress that I’d experienced.

One of the good things I was trying to do for my healing at the time was prayer – I desired to growing in spiritual discernment. As I spent quiet time in prayer towards the end of 2019, I began to overwhelmingly sense the word “rest,” that I desperately needed rest.

But I didn’t know how to stop.

So what happened? My PTSD from my divorce intensified, and I began to have serious back pain that kept getting worse. And worse. It ultimately knocked me out. I could barely walk, and spent months in bed. That nightmare led to job loss and having to move out of my beloved home.

It’s not easy to share these parts of my story as there’s a lot of shame about this experience that I still battle.

Yet the light that God brought to me, and the way He has redirected me towards holistic healing has been so sweet, I want others to know healing and freedom, too.

God provided the rest that I so desperately needed – spiritually, mentally, and physically. It hurt like hell, literally, to get me there. But the quiet, and the silence, and the rock bottom became a peaceful, solid ground to stand upon after the touch of a great physician.

Within three months after my surgery I was hiking again – rebuilding my muscles and learning to walk again was what my soul needed. Slowing down was what my body needed – care and attention for the entirety of my well-being to have the hope of flourishing again.

Even just the slowness of my schedule with more time to spend in nature – and lots of walks through the bluebells – was the calming that my nervous system needed to regulate and recover from the effects of stress. Over time, I slowly stopped constantly thinking I was having a heart attack, and panic attacks decreased as well (hallelujah!).

God didn’t create me – or you – as a resilience machine. He created humans as bodies and souls. Yes, we are resilient, which is incredible! God is always working to redeem. But he gave us bodies, and he called them good. He made them good, and designed them to heal. In fact, the smartest people in the world say that the human brain is the most complex thing ever designed, and we still know so little about it.

Unfortunately, thousands and thousands of years later we’re still influenced by the Greek philosophers who taught that the body was discardable and it was the mental/spiritual aspect of our humanity that was most important.

But our brains, our bodies, our hearts, our souls. They’re all intertwined. Every aspect of our being needs care and attention.

You can take my story, and how I ignored my body, and it nearly destroyed me. Only by God’s grace has he been teaching me to honor and care for my body – that is, me.

But you don’t also have to take my word or story. Below are a few books I love on this topic, and there’s also so much neurobiology and theology that you can look into!

The Body Keeps the Score – Bessel van der Kolk
The Wisdom of Your Body – Hillary McBride
Theology of the Body – Jean-Claude Larchet
Mending a Shattered Heart – Stefanie Carnes
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality – Pete Scarzerro
The Soul of Shame – Curt Thompson

When I’m with the bluebells, I’m reminded of God’s grace in my life. Immersed in beauty and wonder, I rediscover childlike delight. I can breathe deeply, and freely. And I remember, that I don’t just have a body, I am a body. A body a soul, a human who needs rest and care.

I always hope my words help others, so let this story sink in, and I pray the pictures spark joy, too. There’s an ulterior motive to my writing too – I need my own words! Because we never “arrive” at healing; at having it all together. God has taught me SO MUCH about embodiment, about caring for all parts of myself and honoring the body He gave me. And now that I have come A LONG way in my healing journey and am actually feeling safe and healthy… I’ve noticed the hustling starting to creep in again.

No, I’m not back to 2019 Bethany, but I need to keep practicing bluebell Bethany. While the spring wildflowers are mostly through, it’s time for May flowers and there’s a whole lot of peace out there to be found.

So walk among the flowers with me, as we go from spring to summer (soon!). If I can be your friend to gently remind ourselves (and like I said, I’m taking the time to write this all out as an anthem for myself!) to find ways to take it slow, listen to our bodies, and remember that we don’t have to hustle for worthiness. Hustling won’t take away pain or stress. Only rest in the presence and security of God can do that!

I’m excited for all the beauty ahead in May and fun times this summer! I want to enjoy it s-l-o-w-l-y and humanly. But I am also already looking forward to next April, when the bluebells come back again, and are bathed in the glorious light of a Susquehanna sunrise.

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